Cannabis is a plant that has provided me great comfort and inspiration over the past decade, and I’ve used it almost daily (usually at the end of the day) because it helps me cope with the stress of my existence. Life in New York is tough, and the experiences I’ve dealt with in the past five years have sometimes left me in dire need of comfort. Smoking cannabis reminds me to laugh, to stay light-hearted in face of heaviness, and it also helps tone down the anxious effects of caffeine (which I also consume almost daily).
The problem with using cannabis at night is that it makes remembering dreams a lot harder. As a result, I have been divorced from my dreams for the majority of the past few years. Last night was the first night since November 2016 that I didn’t indulge in a night-time smoke, and as a result my sleep was colored by dreams. I had a difficult dream (which might even be considered a nightmare), and that dream has left my day stained with overwhelming sadness. The dream continued the drama of my love life, and pushed me deeper into heartbreak and lament. So, maybe it’s a good thing that I have been obliterating myself nightly, to save myself from the demons lurking inside.
But then I think to myself: what have I been running from? It has occurred to me over the past few years that dreams provide an opportunity to discover some of the true feelings you have about the world and yourself, feelings and thoughts that your conscious mind (filtered through your ego) might be ignoring or consciously avoiding. I have attempted to practice lucid dreaming in the past with mixed results, but my successful experiences with it have taught me that you can ask your deeper awareness questions in your dream if you have the mind to do so, and sometimes those answers are meaningful and revelatory.
I am in a process of rehabilitating myself right now. I am attempting to cultivate good habits, replacing the habits that provide quick, instant relief with habits that build a solid foundation for resilience in face of all types of stress and emotional turmoil. I realized that you have to earn good feelings, and feeling good all the time will inevitably cause you to overlook crucial truths that often blow up unexpectedly if not dealt with in time. My dream last night illustrated to me my own insecurity about my body, about my heaviness, about my lack. When your heart is violently stomped by the person who you have put so much love into over the past five years, it makes you question everything, including your fundamental self-worth as a human.
My commitment right now is to my own well-being, and I realize that using cannabis (and other substances) have helped me find repeated temporary escape, but that it’s time to face myself soberly so that I can work out the details of why my life is failing.