After a few months of dereliction, here I go again attempting to communicate with you. I decided to take a break from performing my music with my band not only because it requires tremendous energy and resources to put on shows, but also because I am feeling like it’s time for me to find new things to express besides the songs I have written already. I think communicating a little more directly, like with prose on this blog, might be a more effective way of getting across what it is I’m trying to say.
I will continue playing music privately, as well as occasionally performing in my friends’ bands, and I will continue writing, though I will put a lot less pressure on myself to produce great work. I need to remind myself why I love music and what sounds good. Right now, all my music sounds the same to me, and lots of other peoples’ music does too. I am in too deep, I have hit a wall, I need some perspective to remind myself what I enjoy about life and creation.
The honest truth is that I feel a little disappointed by this world I am living in, and it’s caused me to question the point of doing anything. In other words, I let myself fall into a depression, even though it has been quite a while since I let that happen, and even longer since I have felt quite so dire about my circumstances and those that my world is in.
I will say that my goal is to live as art, and as such to be transparent and open about my challenges and how I am addressing them. My radical dreams are to further transform this world into a loving and creative place, and I realize that being and doing and giving others inspiration in doing so is the sustainable way of having the positive impact I wish to have. So, that means being naked here and in all venues in which I share work of some kind (including all my social media platforms).
I admit that for all my honesty, there are still parts of my life that I leave lurking in the shadows, out of fear and insecurity. This is the time for me to shine light on those parts: my fear is a reflection of my interpretation of social norms, and the things I am hesitant to share are usually the things that most urgently need discussing and addressing by any radical artist.
So I guess I will leave you hanging, but I will here decree that my intention is to eventually give it all away, and in doing so, attract those inspired by my openness and love such that they also choose to share their struggles in a way that further inspires others. The last thing I will admit right now is that my heart is broken, and I am putting my life in the hands of those around me who care enough to breathe some inspiration back my way (to inspire means literally to breathe). My continued existence is uncertain, and unless my heart mends, I might eventually decide that there is no place for me in this world any longer.