Last Night I Had a Dream

Cannabis is a plant that has provided me great comfort and inspiration over the past decade, and I’ve used it almost daily (usually at the end of the day) because it helps me cope with the stress of my existence. Life in New York is tough, and the experiences I’ve dealt with in the past five years have sometimes left me in dire need of comfort. Smoking cannabis reminds me to laugh, to stay light-hearted in face of heaviness, and it also helps tone down the anxious effects of caffeine (which I also consume almost daily).

The problem with using cannabis at night is that it makes remembering dreams a lot harder. As a result, I have been divorced from my dreams for the majority of the past few years. Last night was the first night since November 2016 that I didn’t indulge in a night-time smoke, and as a result my sleep was colored by dreams. I had a difficult dream (which might even be considered a nightmare), and that dream has left my day stained with overwhelming sadness. The dream continued the drama of my love life, and pushed me deeper into heartbreak and lament. So, maybe it’s a good thing that I have been obliterating myself nightly, to save myself from the demons lurking inside.

But then I think to myself: what have I been running from? It has occurred to me over the past few years that dreams provide an opportunity to discover some of the true feelings you have about the world and yourself, feelings and thoughts that your conscious mind (filtered through your ego) might be ignoring or consciously avoiding. I have attempted to practice lucid dreaming in the past with mixed results, but my successful experiences with it have taught me that you can ask your deeper awareness questions in your dream if you have the mind to do so, and sometimes those answers are meaningful and revelatory.

I am in a process of rehabilitating myself right now. I am attempting to cultivate good habits, replacing the habits that provide quick, instant relief with habits that build a solid foundation for resilience in face of all types of stress and emotional turmoil. I realized that you have to earn good feelings, and feeling good all the time will inevitably cause you to overlook crucial truths that often blow up unexpectedly if not dealt with in time. My dream last night illustrated to me my own insecurity about my body, about my heaviness, about my lack. When your heart is violently stomped by the person who you have put so much love into over the past five years, it makes you question everything, including your fundamental self-worth as a human.

My commitment right now is to my own well-being, and I realize that using cannabis (and other substances) have helped me find repeated temporary escape, but that it’s time to face myself soberly so that I can work out the details of why my life is failing.

Starting Again

After a few months of dereliction, here I go again attempting to communicate with you. I decided to take a break from performing my music with my band not only because it requires tremendous energy and resources to put on shows, but also because I am feeling like it’s time for me to find new things to express besides the songs I have written already. I think communicating a little more directly, like with prose on this blog, might be a more effective way of getting across what it is I’m trying to say.

I will continue playing music privately, as well as occasionally performing in my friends’ bands, and I will continue writing, though I will put a lot less pressure on myself to produce great work. I need to remind myself why I love music and what sounds good. Right now, all my music sounds the same to me, and lots of other peoples’ music does too. I am in too deep, I have hit a wall, I need some perspective to remind myself what I enjoy about life and creation.

The honest truth is that I feel a little disappointed by this world I am living in, and it’s caused me to question the point of doing anything. In other words, I let myself fall into a depression, even though it has been quite a while since I let that happen, and even longer since I have felt quite so dire about my circumstances and those that my world is in.

I will say that my goal is to live as art, and as such to be transparent and open about my challenges and how I am addressing them. My radical dreams are to further transform this world into a loving and creative place, and I realize that being and doing and giving others inspiration in doing so is the sustainable way of having the positive impact I wish to have. So, that means being naked here and in all venues in which I share work of some kind (including all my social media platforms).

I admit that for all my honesty, there are still parts of my life that I leave lurking in the shadows, out of fear and insecurity. This is the time for me to shine light on those parts: my fear is a reflection of my interpretation of social norms, and the things I am hesitant to share are usually the things that most urgently need discussing and addressing by any radical artist.

So I guess I will leave you hanging, but I will here decree that my intention is to eventually give it all away, and in doing so, attract those inspired by my openness and love such that they also choose to share their struggles in a way that further inspires others. The last thing I will admit right now is that my heart is broken, and I am putting my life in the hands of those around me who care enough to breathe some inspiration back my way (to inspire means literally to breathe). My continued existence is uncertain, and unless my heart mends, I might eventually decide that there is no place for me in this world any longer.